You - yes, You - are the chosen one! You shall take on a quest to with your party of hearty comrades, including at least
a) 1 dwarf
b) 1 elf
c) 1 rogue
d) 1 wise ancient wizard (who shall die or disappear no less than 30% of the way through and no more then 65% of the way through the quest)
e) someone you just met whom is now your bestest bff ever

and then through either
a) amazing luck
b) dues ex machina
c) great Mary-Suiesm
d) any combination of the above

SAVE THE WORLD.

Also included shall be at least 3 from:
a) the true love of your life
b) a man who killed your father
c) a man who killed your parents
d) talking and/or telepathic cats
e) talking and/or telepathic MAGICAL horses
f) bandit encounter seemingly taken from an RPG random encounter table
g) a magic sword
h) a magic ring
i) a sudden yet inevitable betrayal
j) a weird old beggar/old woman who turns out to be someone powerful in disguise
k) a great castle

At no time shall:
a) the Bechdel test be passed
b) your hero intrude into a moral gray area
c) the villian(s) have reasonable and sane motivations
d) the villian(s) be portayed as reasonable and honorable people who just happen to be on the other side
e) your magical horse and/or cat die

However:
If you have a dog at any point in the story, it shall die.

Tuesday: 3 Pages on Capstone
Wednesday: 3 pages on capstone. 1/2 15.1
Thursday: 3 pages on capstone. 2 problems topology
Friday: 3 Pages on capstone. 1/2 15.1
Saturday: 3 Pages on capstone. Analysis Take home
Sunday: 3 pages on capstone. Grade abstract

God help me.

So you had a bad day. You are drinking. So you come knocking on my door again. The third time in about two months. The first time that I think you might even be sober enough to remember it.

You haven't invited me to do shit in two months, unless you are either drunk or having a really bad day. And, as far as your bad day? You made that bed. You took that choice. It's not a surprise or unexpected, and it's not uncommon. You knew it would be like this when you made that choice.

And it's not my problem anymore. I took enough pain already, and I'm done. You want to hang out with me, be friends, that's fine. But try doing it sober for once, not just when you get smashed or depressed. I know it's not easy for you, but if the only time you can stand it is when you are blitzed out of your mind, tough shit. You made the parameters of our relationship, you set them where you wanted them. And I wasn't happy with where you put them. I don't want that joke of a friendship.

You want to be friends again? Sure, go ahead. But I'm done dealing with your emo shit, at least until you figure out what the hell you want. And if that's what you want, I'm not going to help you deal with it when it goes bad. Because that's your choice. And it just causes me pain.

Try trying to be my friend sober, maybe. Maybe there is some kind of friendship we can salvage. But I'm not going to be your drunk comfort buddy anymore.

And if you don't like where things are? Come talk to me about it. Sober. It's been six months of you ignoring me otherwise. And no, I don't like it. But I'm done trying to build that bridge myself. Meet me halfway. Or leave me the fuck alone and let me rebuild my own life.

Well, the diff EQ test was about as horrid as I imagined - I was 12 pts below the mean. Absolutely by far the worst I've ever done on a test in a class where I, you know, went to class and did the homework. However, on my far more difficult Real Analysis test, I got 58/60 - and that test is only graded out of 50 points. On the massive homework assignment, also from that week from hell, I got a 20/20. And I'm assuming I did very well on my paper. So, basically, I destroyed everything prior to that test - and that test will be dropped from my final grade anyways, so things aren't horrid.

In other news, an anecdote that describes how horrid and inattentive I can be re: faces. My friend Jeff brought two girls over to my poker game/turned into party friday night. Talked with one of them for a bit, and she went to Perkins with me and jeff at the end of the night. Neither one of us had met eachother before, or thought the other looked similar.

Well, she's in my diff EQ class. And sits next to me. And, in fact, we share a table. Both of us fail at social skills, apparently :P

I don't want to go to my Diff EQ class. I had my week from hell last week, with a metric crap ton of stuff to do, huge homework assignments, multiple tests, and a big paper. And everything went well except the very last thing, the Diff EQ test friday afternoon. Maybe I didn't study enough because I thought I had it covered and had so much else to do. Maybe my brain was just fried and I needed better sleep/eating habits or something. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

I need to do better, I need to focus, I need to do my best instead of just trying to get by. I shouldn't be getting a frackign B in this class - which is my grade BEFORE this test that I bombed horridly. My prof drops one uncharacterstic bad test, and there is a lot of reasons this test went badly not related to my knowledge of the material. But, for the most part, I didn't do the work neccesary.

I coasted. And I can't afford that. It's time to stop coasting and start kicking ass. Note: I'm doing perfectly well in my other classes, although two of them haven't had anything turned in yet that can be graded. But I have to do better. And it needs to start now.

Life was so much easier when I wasn't trying to be responsible at school. Then I could be happy coasting on B's. Now, getting what is probably a C or worse on this test is like.... super painful and frustrating.

Just spent a nice half an hour sitting outside on the porch, watching the leaves swirl and the squirrels scramble, listening to the wind dance through the trees as the leaves fell here and there. Felt the raindrops fall when the wind arrived at my stoop, felt the chill and the electricity. Relaxing, meditative, and beautiful.

I've discovered a flaw in my plans to graduate in the spring - in specific, the lack of a class I very much need for my Major - which is not actually offered in the spring. So, I'm going to attempt to expand my undergrad education another semester. There would be 3 different classes I absolutely would have to take in the fall, but all are offered by the same department so it should be doable. And then I'd have one other class I would need, but I would get to choose out of three. So this should be doable.

Classes I need, absolutely need:


Abstract Algebra (Spring 2010 MWF 11-11:50 (3)
Philosophical Ethics (Spring 2010 TR 9:30 - 10:45)(3)

Real Analysis II or Abstract II or Topology (Fall of 2010) (3)
Symbolic Logic (Fall of 2010) (3)
Philosophy Seminar (Fall of 2010) (3)
Ancient Philosophy (Fall of 2010) (3)

Math Capstone (Fall or Spring) (1)

So I would require these to not conflict.

Things I also need:
1 credit in Wellness Theory
1 Credit Physical Activity
3 credits in Communications: Language Skills
3 Credits in Philo - elective

SO thats 6 credits in the spring and 12 in the fall that I can't work around, and 9 other credits to spread out. Hrrm. What can I take for COMMA in the spring? (I must load as much as possible into the spring!)

Prospective Spring Schedule, En Toto:
Abstract Algebra (Spring 2010 MWF 11-11:50 (3) (Duffy)
Philosophical Ethics (Spring 2010 TR 9:30 - 10:45)(3) (Meyer)
Kant - 2:00-3:15 MW (3) (Beach)
Critiuques of God - 5-6:15 PM MW (3) (Beach)
I'd take the math capstone, but not with Tong teaching it :P I suppose I could just take the 2 wellness theory classes, bump me up to 14 credits, and take the 16 credits in the fall. Pfft. I've got time before I have to worry about this, preciesly - but I need to figure out NOW if it's going to be doable. Will try to meet with adviser tommorow.

This enables me to apply to Grad schools after NEXT fall, giving me an entire year of academic achievement more then if I had to apply after this fall. This makes me look FAR better to grad schools, meaning I can get into a far better grad school. It gives me a second major, instead of a minor. I can make this work for me, somehow. I shall try to use this summer for an internship or something, make some money, look even better, etc. We'll see how this works out.

Weird couple of days, in a good way. Meeting new people, hanging out with old friends, been golfing and active and actually having fun, for the most part.

I'm struck with this relentless desire to roam, to never sleep in the same place. I want to take a blanket and a pillow and go outside and sleep in the back of my truck, go and sleep on a porch, go and sleep on the couch, the floor. Ever since I've been a little kid, I've struggled with actually sleeping in my bed. There were entire months where I would sleep on the floor next to my bed, sleep on the couch downstairs when I could - I remember dragging my mattress into the hall when I was a toddler and sleeping there. I don't know why, or really understand it, but I'm just always more comfortable elsewhere. Even now I look at my closet and want to sleep there instead of in my bed, etc. I've slept on couches, recliners, floors, under beds, alongside of beds, hallways, bathrooms, shower rooms, etc - when I had beds available to me. It's.... different, of course, when there is someone to share a bed with - I far prefer sleeping next to someone then alone. But when that isn't an option, my bed feels.... uncomfortable.

Flipped out on one of my roommates tonight - something which doesn't really surprise me. I think it's the first time he's seen me actually get mad, and I'm not sure he realized that I did, or to what extent, or that there were lines that you shouldn't cross. The surprising part was the reason - I've been predicting a few conflicts, areas where we need to straighten some things out, etc, but I didn't really imagine this.

No matter what is said, and in jest or otherwise, there is never an excuse for actual real physical violence. Throwing a pillow at someone or something soft in a symbolic fashion, perhaps - but there is NEVER an excuse to hurl something hard at someone. (And in this case, no excuse at all. I didn't say anything innapropriate or negative and wasn't even being my usual asshole self).

Still, I don't know what he was expecting, but I seriously doubt he expected the reaction he got. Hopefully that will sink in a little bit.

I finally got the first draft of the paper revision, and sent it off to the appropriate profs. I'm very... unconvinced, worried. It's a difficult paper, reaching difficult conclusions, and hard to state how I feel. We'll see how this version gets bounced back to me.

I really want to get this published in PRISM, I really want Beach to think highly of me, and I want to get reccomendations for grad school and have something on my application to help. I've fucked up by the numbers so far in my college career, now I need to get things turned around and do well. I've got to put the best foot forward, got to do really well, have to take advantage of every oppurtunity granted me here.

Life is easier before you fuck up hardcore. After you do, a lot of the slack goes away. I miss a lot of that slack - but I do enjoy the challenge, I do enjoy somewhat doing my best, I do enjoy seeing what it is that is in me, when I don't have to coast.

Mostly? I miss you. A lot.

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand

You were for me that night
Everything I always dreamt of in life
But now you're gone
You are far gone
All the way to your island of rain

It was for you just a one night thing
But you were much more to me
Just so you know

I hear rumors about you
About all the bad things you do
But when we were together alone
You didn't seem like a player at all

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day
I just wanted another try
I just wanted another night
Even if it doesn't seem quite right
You meant for me much more
Than anyone I've met before

One single night with you little Jesse
Is worth a thousand with anybody

I have no bitterness, my sweet
I'll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, another arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my blues
Let me sing you a waltz
About this lovely one night stand

Life is a strange and weird and beautiful thing. I have about five minutes to type this entry up before I go meet David at the Joynt, trying to pass away the post semester ennui. What fun it is when Ennui comes complete with a side of Existential Crisis.

Not for me - for once in my life, perhaps for the first time, I am actually comfortable with where I am and where I am going, confident in my life's plan and thinking that I can make it a success. It's the wider world that makes me wonder, makes me ponder, makes me spin. How is it that we are here? How are we living in a world with technology like it is, with this quality of living - after 5000+ years of crap-ass bare bones living using muscle power? How did a world as ANCIENT as this world go from no tools to humans to farming to gunpowder to industrial revolution to us, at an exponential rate of change?

How is it that we are here now?

And complete this with a side of real life.... not weirdness? I'm happy right now, as happy as I've ever been. There are things that are... amazingly and utterly dissapointing, which I have had happen in the past few months. Love hurts - love can hurt a lot - and I don't know when you recover from that. The last time, it took me about two years before I could sit down and say that I was over it - completely over it. And about two months before I could even function. I'm better then that now - I'm in a better spot, a better position, far less ... depressed.

I still wear the cross. And every day I feel for it, every time I leave the house I check to make sure it is there. The few times I have managed to leave the house, I panicked when I realized it was gone. It .... it has become an anchor, a crutch, that which lets me know where I am. That reminder of how good my life is, of how bad my life was, that reminder of what it actually means for me. A constant reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am, how.... amazing it is I came from where I was then, to where I am now.

I can remember sitting on the sidewalk, crying, looking at passing busses, and being too much of a coward to step in front of one. I can remember the day, two years later, when I almost got in a massive car accident, and pulled over to the side of the road, shacking. And when I realized - to my amazing delight - that I was glad I not not died. How amazing it was to be HAPPY to be alive. How painful life had been to get to a point where that was an amazing delight, a wonderful realization.

I'm passed that, I'm better now. I like my life, I like me. I like my friends, the people I know. I like where I think I am heading in life.

And, even after my heart was broken again, after I was left sobbing and bereft, I meet people who remind of what I like in life. Intelligent people, who I can have amazing conversations with and don't want to stop talking to. Interesting and intriguing people. And I remember where I was, and where I am now. And I sit back and smile, glad that I did make it through the dark years. Make it to these new adventures, these new dreams. Sure, everything might end in pain and disaster - my life may go nowhere, for every value of nowhere.

And hopefully, I will pull out that cross, hold it, and remember. And smile. Because, even then, things are better.